Day jokes

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.

Wanna know something the orphan could never do?

Wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

The man was dangling by a string!

I was jealous the day he died.

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

9/11, also known as the day football stopped.

Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?

I was going to buy a watch today, but I didn't have time.

They say nothing is impossible, but I've been doing nothing all day.

What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?

"Deja moo!"

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.

Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

One day a cow ate a fish.

What came out the other side?

A dead fish.

One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."

His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"

Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.

One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.

But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇