They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."
What's the city with the fastest growing population?
Ireland, cuz it's Dublin everyday!
I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?
Kurt Cobain's microphone.
One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.
One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.
The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.
You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"
She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."
The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"
Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.
Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)
Boobless.
A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
What do you call nitrogen in the day? You call it day-trogen!
Which freedom fighter do we say "good morning" every day?
Answer: Subah Chandra Bose.
"Subah" means morning.
I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day!
My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
