Dark Humor
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
Why can't homeless people be gay?
They don't have a closet to get out of.
Why can't Juice Wrld play Black Ops II?
Because he can't handle 6 perks.
This is not even a joke, it's a serious question... Is eating ass considered cannibalism?
Two simple steps to get 15,000 people to follow you:
Step 1: Buy a bottle of water (doesn't matter the size).
Step 2: Run through Africa with that bottle of water.
Perfect! Now you got yourself half the population there following you!
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimer's?
Yeah, neither have they.
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
Kid: Dad, what's a dark joke?
Dad: Well, you see that guy over there? Tell him to wave.
Kid: But Dad, I'm blind.
Dad: Exactly, also the dude had no arm.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
What has 50 legs but can't walk?
25 disabled kids.
What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
What's long and black?
The line to KFC.