This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Just a joke: When Stephen Hawking fell over and hurt his leg, his dad said, "It'll get better, just walk it off!"
Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!
Me: But Billy's with her right now.
Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM
Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.
We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.
MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.
DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.
MOM: No, you're not.
I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑
I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.
I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.
My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.
Why does that kid have to stay in that orphanage?
He should just go to his mom and dad!
I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
Never say to an orphan, "Bye buddy, hope you find your dad!"
One time I was watching TV.
Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!
Me: Omg, really?
Mom: Sike, I lied.
