Dad jokes

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

Your daddy must be a drug dealer, because you're dope.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

My dad came back!

Three men walk into a bar. You would think the 3rd one would have ducked! 😅

What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.

Ur mom gay, ur dad lesbian.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that little thing?

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

A: He only comes once a year.