Cut jokes

Just cut my thumb open with a knife (not a joke).

What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.

Jesus was being hung up on the cross, and me and all the other people at the bottom of the hill were watching. Jesus cries out,

"Peter, Peter come to me!"

So I climb up the hill on my hands and knees, and when I reach the top, the Romans cut off my arms and chuck me back down the hill.

"Peter, Peter come to me!" cries Jesus once more. I stumble up the hill, then the Romans cut my legs off and threw me back down. For the third time, Jesus cries,

"Peter, Peter come to me!". So I wriggle up the hill, and I guess the Romans pitied me and let me through.

"Look Peter, I can see my house from here!"

What did Henry VIII say when he was asked to review Six the Musical?

"It was okay, but I really think they could have cut a few parts."

What did the emo say to the popular kid?

"Go fuck yourself for thinking all emos cut because they don't... y'know, for a matter of fact, fuck all you guys..."

You're so fat, when someone calls you fat, you get depressed and cut you a slice of cake.

What's the best part about having emo grass?

It cuts itself!

Why did the rapper become a barber?

To give everyone FRESH CUTS.

I really used to be into emo chicks. Now they just don't make the cut.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

What's the difference between onions and children? Nothing, when you cut one everyone around you cries.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

I should probably stop making emo jokes.

They just don't seem to cut it anymore.

What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.

Why was the emo kicked out of the Carnival? Because he was cutting in line.