Crime jokes
Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
Do you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?
Yes, I know the murderer, The muffin man, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.
She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.
The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?
B minor.
Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
Orphans can be a robber if they want because their parents won't be disappointed.
Q. What do rapists fear more than rabies?
A. Rape babies.
What’s the name of OceanGate’s next submarine?
Judging by the breathing conditions on their subs, I bet they’ll call it the "George Floyd."
Dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
A man enters the bank and says, "Hi, I'm robbing you!" The man was arrested instantly.
What’s the difference between a robber and an orphan?
One is wanted.
October 1, 2017 is when the Mandalay Bay became the Mandalay spray. Thank Steve for that.
Did you hear that the cameraman got arrested? He shot a film.
Not everyone is perfect. Just take Charles Manson, for example.
What's the difference between a dead hooker and a watermelon?
The watermelon didn't scream when I sliced it.