Crime jokes
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?
A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
What's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?
I haven't been caught.
Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?
A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
Yep, this happens when you play G.T.A., good God!
I heard there was a kidnapping.
Don't worry, he woke up in the back of a van.
It was his father's friend who was a priest.
He was just bringing him to church.
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
What does a pedophile mostly pound on a piano?
A minor.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.
What do you call a tall terrorist? Labomb James.
What is the difference between preschools and my basement?
Little kids come out of preschool.
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?
Because his TikTok blew up...
What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?
They can blow themselves up.
Lynching is just another word for "hanging around."