Crime jokes
If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?
A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.
Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?
I hear they got six months each.
If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.
Yo mama is soooooo fat that she was arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack!
Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of CRACK.
I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.
What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?
It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.
Ok, not really racist but still funny.
There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.
There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did, and the ended up liking each other and getting married and living happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy actually snuck in Rayne's house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.