Crime jokes

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.

Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.

Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.

A man was reported stealing a bar of soap from a corner store. The police concluded that he made a clean getaway.

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

what do you call a drunken sailer?

arrested.

If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.

Yo mama is soooooo fat that she was arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack!

Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of CRACK.

I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.

What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.

Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!

Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?

It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.