Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
Comparison Jokes
My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
My ex.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?
A dead baby can't feed a family.
What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common? They never get old.
What's the difference between a dick and a cannon?
Your dick shots longer.
What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?
They're both crazy and now dead.
What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?
I don't f**k a sandwich before I eat it.
How are a gay guy and a refrigerator different?
When you pull the meat out of the refrigerator, it doesn’t fart.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
What's the difference between Obama and Trump?
Obama was a president and Trump was a whiny bitch!
Your mom went to the ocean, and the whales said, "We are family," even though you are fatter than me.
Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry, I will be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
Donald Trump took the bullet better than Joe Biden took the stairs.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!
Why are women like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
What is the difference between a car and a tree?
A tree cannot drive, but a car can drive.
