Comparison jokes

What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?

One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thought Shrek was ugly, until I saw you.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

You're so skinny that if I were to put you on a flagpole, you would wave in the wind.

You're so bald that when you wear a poncho, you look like a broken condom.

Yo momma's so skinny that even Flat Stanley gets jealous!

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the walls.

I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.

Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.

Roses are red, Tomatoes are redder. I think we both know, I like you better.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.

What do you call a cow with three legs?

My ex.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

A dead baby can't feed a family.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common? They never get old.

What’s the difference between Juice WRLD and George Floyd?

Nothing, they both can’t breathe.

What does Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?

They both come in small can.

What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?

They're both crazy and now dead.