Comedy Jokes

My friend said to me that I am gay my response I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night

Who use to say who loves orange soda Kel loves orange soda yes i do doooooo oh yes oh yes oh yes i dooooooo? Kel Mitchell from kenan and kel.

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

Whats the difference between a dad and an Emo? they both dont last awhile

I’d make a joke about prostitutes and women sleeping with multiple men, but it would just be whore-ible

Why can’t you tell a funny joke to a wheelchair kid because he just rolls with the joke

This joke's about flowers, the blue one's a violet. Your mom's the twin towers and I am the pilot!

Q.You know what really bugs me? A.Insects puns.

What do you call yourself when you fist a midget? A ventriloquist

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! please help, please help!"

My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him Omelette you do your egg jokes.

What's the difference between Autism and Gender? Autism is on a spectrum.

What is the weirdest thing to wear and what is weirdest thing to say. Weirdest thing to ware: Socks with sandals, also with flip flops! Weirdest thing to say: "Would you rather be a bath or a toilet?" "The blue angel sea slug looks like an alien." (weird). Bonus: Things to ware with other things: Crop top with t-shirt(really hip), Crop top with tights or shorts, dresses with tights! (Cool) Oh well byeeeeeee!

My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarf's saw them they sang... "Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”