Come jokes

It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!

When does Friday come before Thursday?

In the dictionary.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

Run, or something will come to you, and you will be afraid to tell it to stop following you.

A lovely and clean kebab restaurant with the option to sit at the bar, sit outside, or eat in.

Besides kebabs, they also offer other typical dishes, such as cholodki. They also have a selection of different pizzas. The photo shows various kebab dishes with potatoes, rice, and salad. This time, the rice is mixed with oats. Enjoy! The other two kebabs are also delicious, but I didn't try them. As always, I was treated very kindly, and the service and quality ensured that they were always happy to help.

As a foodie, I have to say that this is the best kebab restaurant. Next time, I'll try the pizza and come back again.

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

Where does an orphan come from?

Daddy getting milk.

What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.

What goes up must come down, apart from Mr. Vyse.

That shirt's very becoming on you.

If I were on you, I’d be coming too.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.

Prince will be coming back in 10 mins here is a joke.

Gwen: Prince sorry but I'm wanting someone else instead. You've just been a complete jackass toward me, sorry good night.

Prince: Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: Good night!

Prince: Why?

Gwen: Because...now good night!

Prince: We can work some things out?

Gwen: Nope...NOW GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!

To be continued

Your mom and dad are never coming back because dad is cumming for another kid.

A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.

The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."

The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."

The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."

The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."

The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."

The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."

The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."

Why did the cop ask the orphan if he was home alone?

The orphan said because my parents have never come back yet because I have none.

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

There was a kid at school. He was reading a book and he came across a phrase. It was "purple pation." He went to his teacher and asked what it meant. His teacher said, "What the actual hell? Get the hell out of my class and go to the principal's office!" The principal said, "It's okay, it was probably a mistake. I will clean this all up. In the meantime, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." His principal stares at him for about 3 seconds, then says, "Get the hell out of my school. You are expelled!" He ran 7 miles to his dad's office crying all the way. He went to his dad and explained how his teacher kicked him out of the class and the principal expelled him. His dad said, "Calm down, I will clean this all up," and he said, "That's what the principal said. He said, 'I will clean it up'." He said, "OK, the phrase is 'purple pation'." His dad said, "I hate you, get out of my office. I don't want to see you again." He ran down crying to his house. He explained what happened. His mom said the same thing as everyone else, so he explains the phrase. His mom kicks him out of the house, and he ran down to the park crying. An old lady said, "What's wrong?" He explained what's happening. Then she says, "Well, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." The old lady said, "See that house across the street? That's my house. Come over in about 30 min and I will explain." He says, "Thank you." It was the longest 30 min of his life. He sprints across the street and gets hit by a bus.

Sorry guys ;)

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

What say the child to the man? Shalom.

Man come later give the child: "Here, what you asked for!"

Child: "No, sir! I say Shabbat Shalom. I not ask for salmon!"

Man: "It may be the coin in me ear, hard to hear."