Coffee Jokes

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

It's called Costa Coffee because it's short for "Cost A lot for boiled, rancid dishwater."

What do alien moms like to drink? Starbucks.

What was King Tut's favorite coffee?

De-coffin-ated.

A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."

Worst punishment of all

A chalkboard with the text: “QUOTE OF THE DAY. ‘REMEMBER WHEN WE CRIED AS KIDS AND OUR PARENTS SAID ‘I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT’?-WE THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO SMACK US, BUT INSTEAD THEY DESTROYED THE HOUSING MARKET, QUADRUPLED COLLEGE TUITION FEES, MELTED THE ICE CAPS AND VOTED BREXIT.’ - ANON.”

I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.

He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.

He was my least favorite grandparent.

What is a cannibal's favorite drink?

Coffee.

I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.

The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Without other people's dicks in it.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a coffee bean grower?

De-calf!

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.