Coffee jokes
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
Whenever I order coffee, I always get the depresso with extra depresso sauce.
I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:
1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.
I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despesso.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
Did you know there's a brand of coffee specifically for pedophiles?
It's called the Ep-bean.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people's dicks in it.
TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.
I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.
Q. What happens when a pedophile spills his coffee? A. It leaves an EP-stain.
What was King Tut's favorite coffee?
De-coffin-ated.
I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.
Why do people drink Starbucks? Because it's too hot to handle!
Q: Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
A: Because they're Santa's Starbucks!
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
Stormtrooper: What should we do with this coffee?
Palpatine: Brew it!
How does Daveon like his coffee? Decaf-eon.
What do alien moms like to drink? Starbucks.
I like my coffee like my men, long and black.