Coffee jokes
The people in the Democratic Party are how I like my coffee.
Black and bitter.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a coffee bean grower?
De-calf!
What is Michael Jordan's favorite coffee place? Dunkin' Donuts.
What do you get when I get mixed with coffee?
De-presso.
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.
What is a cup called when they show a ton of emotions?
Answer: Expresso! (KILL MEH)
Coffee has been the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion.
The coffee was getting mugged, so it called 911.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink? A dipresso espresso.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
What do you call a coffee without water? Africano.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.
I like my men how I like my coffee...
WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.
Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.
Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.
My life is like... the shoe rack-