Coffee jokes

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso espresso.

What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?

Burial grounds.

I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.

In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.

What do you call a sad coffee?

Despesso.

What do you call depressed coffee?

Despresso ;)

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.

How do u know Stephen Hawking is having a seizure?

He spills coffee on his iPad.

The people in the Democratic Party are how I like my coffee.

Black and bitter.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.

I want coffee like my men.

Dark.

Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.

He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.

In memory of Michael Jackson, Starbucks and various other establishments are introducing the Jackson tea. It's 50 year old water, with a 7 year old tea bag.

TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.

I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

Whenever I order coffee, I always get the depresso with extra depresso sauce.

Why do people drink Starbucks? Because it's too hot to handle!

What is Michael Jordan's favorite coffee place? Dunkin' Donuts.