Church jokes

Why does an orphan have to go to church? Because that's the only way he can pray for a father.

What Disney movie does the church make little girls watch?

Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

How do you know you’re at a gay church?

Half the congregation is kneeling.

Confucius say, "Man who sit in church and fart must sit in pew."

Why is a nun called a nun?

'Cause they ain't supposed to get none ;)

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.

Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?

Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.

Why did the child cross the road?

To get to the church.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.

Why did the priest want to learn how to play the organ?

He wanted to be able to finger A minor.

I recently learned that churches won’t let trans men become priests because they don’t consider trans men as men, which is rather confusing to me.

As a Jew, I don’t know very much about Christianity, but from what I’ve heard, don’t priests love little boys?

POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.

The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.

Lettuce pray.

What did the racist Catholic priest say?

"Martin Luther? Not my king!"

A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."

Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

A priest walked in and said to the kids,

"Hey kids, are you ready for your faptism?"