Church jokes
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?
"Let us pray."
Why does an orphan have to go to church? Because that's the only way he can pray for a father.
What kind of book does cheese read at a church?
The Hole-y Bible.
Why can’t an orphan go to a youth church? Because they need a parent to pick them up.
Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
Confucius say, "Man who sit in church and fart must sit in pew."
Why is a nun called a nun?
'Cause they ain't supposed to get none ;)
Why did the priest want to learn how to play the organ?
He wanted to be able to finger A minor.
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?
Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the church.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.
I recently learned that churches won’t let trans men become priests because they don’t consider trans men as men, which is rather confusing to me.
As a Jew, I don’t know very much about Christianity, but from what I’ve heard, don’t priests love little boys?
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.
The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.
Lettuce pray.
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
What did the racist Catholic priest say?
"Martin Luther? Not my king!"
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."