Church jokes

What does the Catholic Church and Worstjokesever.com have in common?

They're both full of child groomers.

What did the priest say during the christening?

"So anyway, I started blasting!"

Some of you need to go to church. I don't want you in hell with me.

Yo mama so ugly, when she go to church they say it's a demon!

You should always wash your sex toys. That’s why priests invented baptism.

Why do orphans like going to church?

Because they actually get to say "father" for once.

Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!

Why did Catholic women stop going to church?

Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

How did the priest know the nun was on her period? He tasted blood on the altar boy's cock.

Yo Father, don't use the baptism bath. I cleaned my anal plug in there.

What?

The holy water gets all the ass off. Don't mind the white stuff. *clears throat*

One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”

Do you know how many women have been pope?

Nun.

Why are Demons dying from Priestwater? The soul from a Priest is completely different.

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Why can’t an orphan go to a youth church? Because they need a parent to pick them up.

If a priest listens to sad music in his church, he really enjoys being deep in minor.

Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?

It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

What kind of book does cheese read at a church?

The Hole-y Bible.