What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
Church Jokes
Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
What pants do you wear to church? Hole-y ones.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"
A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
Bean Dip.
Confucius say, "Man who sit in church and fart must sit in pew."
What kind of jeans do you wear to church?
Holy jeans!
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.
Lettuce pray.
What's the most fun a monk can have?
Nun.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
