Church jokes
A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."
The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.
Why do cantaloupes always get married in the church?
'Cause they can't elope.
Why did the bodybuilder go to the crustacean church?
Because it was a good source of mussel mass!
Why don't skeletons play music at the church?
Because they don't have any organs.
Why do orphans go to church so much?
So they can have someone to call father.
Why did the sun go to church?
Because it needs Jesus.
What is a priest's favorite song?
-- Magic Flute in A minor.
What did the choir boy sing to the priest? Nothing, his mouth was full.
What happened to the eight-year-old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church?
The priest stopped him on the way there.
The holy water in this church is of the highest quality: it has been assed by the bishop.
Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the church.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.
Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.
A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.
"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"
And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.
"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"
And so he did.
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?
"Let us prey together."