I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well he’s all right now!

A missionary was caught by cannibals. we was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, “You can’t stew me. I’m a friar.”

what do you call a pig that does karate


Three men are travelling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, suddenly they stumble across a tent and inside is three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny too so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince and these three women were his wives so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is: The guy says, "I’m a fireman" The prince says, "Then we’ll burn your dick off!" The second guy says, "I’m an employee at the shooting range" The prince says, "Then we’ll shoot your dick off!" The third guy smiles and says, "I’m a lollipop salesman

If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me…

What is the difference between a whore and an onion U don’t cry when you chop a whore

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

what do you call a pig that knows karate…


What is a fat boy’s favorite karate move?

A pork chop

What’s the difference between an onion and a dead baby?

The baby doesn’t cry when you chop it.

Why did the clown stop smiling? Someone chopped his lips off.

Q:What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?

A:one doesn’t scream when u try to chop it up.

Whats the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop onions

Whats the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop an onion

what do you call a pig do karate chop

Are guys scared of the word Choppiness Because it is literally saying (chop-penis)

Men: get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich! Women: go chop some lumber! White people: get back into the cotton fields!

Their was a enemy with a machine gun. My commander said “Un-arm the enemy”. So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.

What’s the difference between a human and a tree?

A Human can chop down a tree A Tree can’t chop down a human

An alien walks in to a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him and the alien touches his shoulder. The man says do that one more time and I’ll run you over. The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says do that again and I’ll chop your dick off. He touches him again. The man pulls the aliens pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.

Where do you take your pig to karate? The pork chop class!

What’s a tree’s least favorite TV show? Chopped!

Have you heard of the man who got all his left side chopped off?

He was all right.

ur dads penis was chopped off at the age of 2