what did the pedophile say to the kid?
"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
Why is Santa sack so big?
Because he comes once a year
What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.
What does Earl Bradley and an Xbox have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That’s not funny, you know Billy doesn’t have any arms and legs.”
Boys: “I know, we need a third base.”
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
When the school lets you near children again...
There were three boys on the top of a slide.
The first one went down yelling "gold!" and landed in a pot of gold. The second boy went down and shouted "pillows!" and landed in a heap of pillows. The final boy went down and shouted "weeeeeeeee!"
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
