Child jokes
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"
Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"
My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"
I like my cigars like I like my women:
Seven years old coming from Cuba in a burlap sack.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.
What's red and in a corner?
A baby with a razor blade.
What's green and in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.
Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
What's the best thing about f*cking twenty-eight-year-olds?
There's twenty of them.
If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
What do you call a 5-year-old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Yo mama so ugly, she had to ask Satan to help her give birth!
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a bus.