Child jokes
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period starts.
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
A lot of people claim that white privilege does not exist. Well, how the hell do you explain Michael Jackson not being charged for raping children, despite ample evidence?
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."
for real
Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.
A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.
Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!
What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?
"Pikachu, I choose you!"
Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"
"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Once I saw a girl crying and asked, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at orphanages.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."
If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.