Cat

Cat jokes

Mom

    • When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

    Murder

    • Today my idiot brother screamed, "Ahhhhh, I'm dead!" But it wasn't really, so I decided to make it a reality until my sister came...

    AND HELPED ME! - for once, but then two minutes later my mom showed up. We killed him right in front of her, and she screamed! "Donuts and pizza for you and more if you go to Mrs. Roberts' house and say hi and bye to Daddy!!!!!" And she hands us both a sharp tool, and I say, "What about Tommy??!!! Aren't you MAD!!!!!!!" Then she replied, "Who's THAT!!??? Coz he ain't mine. His name is Tommy, Tommy Roberts."

    So then me and my sister visit Mrs. Roberts, and she said, "Oh, this isn't anything important. Go home!" So then my sister and I say hi! and do a countdown. After that my Nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR, MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL! 😊😊😊 But then the police question us where daddy was, so then Mom said....................... oh he's moved on! So then the police officer was like, "Ahem, ma'm where!" SO THEN I BELLOWED.......................... UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either🧐 i will ask my neibour nessy she'll obviously say YES or ill........................................

    ok like for part two☺☺☺

    Scratch

    • I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

    I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

    (Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

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    • Cat memes

    Friend

    • I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3

    Dog

    • In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.

    They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"

    The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."

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    • Bed

    • If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.

    On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*

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    • Difference

    • What is the difference between the human and a tree and a house that has to walk home and walk walk home from school? Was your name in your house? I did not have any good time for dinner today, but I did have a good night's sleep.

    People

    • I have two things I wanna say:

    1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

    2. wtf

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    • Pussy

    • Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"

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    • Injury

    • "Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

    "Oh, that was the cat."

    "We don't have a cat..."

    "Oh..."

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