Case jokes

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?

In case he gets a hole in one.

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

In case of ill rhymes!

An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"

What's black and red/read all over? A baby skunk with a bad case of diaper rash!

Yo mama's so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.

R. Kelly contracted COVID-19 recently. He was quoted as saying it was the first time he caught a case of anything over 18 in years.

Why did the golfer change his pants? In case he got a hole in one!

Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?

In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.

To make tea, road, road, road, road.

Case.

The space of space, Der der.

The chosen week was chosen.

Object.

Der mezzer lakes.

Why did the rapper bring a pencil to the concert?

In case he needed to drop some FRESH LINES.

Why did the rapper go to the dentist?

He had a bad case of CAVITY FLOWS.

What’s black and at the top of a stair case?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.

Wipe your feet before entering, but in Stephen Hawking's case, it is "Wipe your wheels."

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But you need 5000 Soviet troops in case he goes on strike!

Why do golfers bring a spare pair of socks?

In case they get a hole in one.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.