Car jokes

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?

He can't drink and drive.

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Why did the emo kid not cross the road?

He was waiting for a car.

Why did the suicidal man walk in front of the car? To get to the other side.

What was the name of the Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos.

A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?

The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?

Because they'll cause a car crash.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.