Car jokes

If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.

If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.

A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?

The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?

He can't drink and drive.

Why did the emo kid not cross the road?

He was waiting for a car.

What was the name of the Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

Why did the suicidal man walk in front of the car? To get to the other side.

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?

Because they'll cause a car crash.

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.