My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
What was the name of the Mexican that lost his car?
Carlos.
Paul's favorite car.
A Carrera GT.
Why did the suicidal man walk in front of the car? To get to the other side.
A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?
The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.
I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
I'm actually against abortion.
Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?
Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.
I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.
If you run next to a car, you get tired, but if you run behind it, you get exhausted.
I'll be here all week... sadly enough for you.
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her.
