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Car jokes

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

What's the difference between Stephen and a car? A car loses oil, Stephen loses the ability to walk.

Your dad went to the shop to get milk, came back, went again, but never came back due to a car crash due to an itchy rash.

My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

How are babies and the elderly similar?

They are both fun to throw out of moving cars.

Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.

Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.

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    • Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"

    I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.

    A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"

    "Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.

    Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."

    Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

    And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

    And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

    What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

    Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

    “May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

    The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

    Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

    The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

    “Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

    “Does your dick touch your asshole?”

    “No.”

    The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

    “Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

    “Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

    “Yep.”

    “Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

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