Cant jokes

Dad

    • The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.

    Sex

    • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

    "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

    Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

    They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

    Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

    I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

    Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

    What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.

    What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

    "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

    A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

    How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

    If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

    A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

    What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

    Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

    What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit."

    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

    How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

    Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

    An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

    Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

    What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

    Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

    What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

    How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

    What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

    What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

    What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

    What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.

    What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip."

    What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

    What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

    What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.

    What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.

    Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.

    A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

    What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap."

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

  • 6
    • Cant memes

    Cheeseburger

    • I'm lonely, but all I have is my cheeseburger, but what is the matter of living if you only have one thing?

    But a cheeseburger is all you need 'cause it has 1,000,000,000,000 bucks man, so I can't just take it and spend it wherever I want.

    Alphabet

    • Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

    Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

  • 9

    • Orphan

    • The orphan can’t play soccer because he doesn’t know where home is, and his school is too dumb to learn.