Canning jokes

Why did the dog want a kiss? Because he can see his knees.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?

"Can you give me some pointers?"

Do you have a halo?

'Cause I can give it to you.

I can cry, but I don't have eyes. I can fly, but I don't have wings. Who am I?

A cloud.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

How can you help a llama on holiday?

Alpaca your bags.

Teacher: What’s 2+2?

Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh

Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"F... off!"

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You're so flat we can play chess on your chest!

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

Why doesn't Mexico win any medals in the summer Olympics anymore?

Because all the Mexicans that can run, swim, or jump are already here.

Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

What does Can do after eating its vegetables?

Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.