Canning jokes
I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.
Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.
What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
Wife, I look fat, can you compliment me?
Blind husband says, "You have perfect eyesight!"
Why can orphans never walk home?
Because there's no way to go.
Memes
You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"
What is the similarity between math and buildings?
Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.
Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?
God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
Cool people: I can do anything.
Normal people: I can do nothing.
Why tie when you can knot?
Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?
Why?
So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
Teacher: What’s 2+2?
Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh
Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.
"Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
"So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
"Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
"F... off!"
Q: Get up for a chair joke!
A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.