Can jokes
I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?
Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.
Obv, unless you share your residence.
Why does an orphan like church so much? So he can call someone "father."
What is a plane ✈️ that can not fly?
A fake one ☝️
A police pulls over a Mexican man trying to get into America. The Mexican man comes up with some sob story and the police say, "All right, all right ok," says the police, "I'll let you go if you can come up with a sentence that has the words green, pink, and yellow in it." The Mexican thought about it long and hard for almost 45 minutes and then the police says, "Ok ok let's hear it" after waiting impatiently. The Mexican said, "Ok ok don't rush me. I'm ready." The Mexican replied, "Ok when my phone green green, I pink it up and say Yellow!"
lmao why do people think they can fly?
Hey, cobalt can't. But tin can ;)
There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!
Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.
Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"
Ever heard the saying white people can’t jump??
Well, I think that’s total bullshit. You should have seen us on 9/11!
What is a home that can fly?
A magic house!
Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
I hope you're an organ donor so your organs can go to someone who deserves them.
This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.
I wonder where the bodies are?
Question: What is the BIG ADVANTAGE to going out on a date with a "Homeless Chic"?
Answer: After the date, you can "Drop Her Off" ANYWHERE!
Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!