Can jokes

Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.

Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?

Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.

Joseph: No, they don't.

Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.

Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?

The bird can fly off the roof.

Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.

What music do depressed people listen to?

"I Believe I Can Fly."

Hey, can I tell you a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

I'm not completely useless; I can be used as a bad example.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can never find home.

Why do women like Pac-Man so much?

How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?

What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?

"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"

Where can you find the freshest vegetables? A school for the disabled!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."