Can jokes

What are two plus sides to being an orphan?

1. All your snacks are family sized.

2. No one can make jokes about your mama.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?

He was lucky it was a soft drink!

Jesus walked, so Mohammad can fly.

What does Osama bin Laden have in common with Spongebob?

Both can be found at the bottom of the sea, filled full of holes.

What can a duck eat for a snack? Saltine quackers!

Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.

During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: Started to laugh and said "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!

Hehe

And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up, and I'll see you on Monday.

What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?

Sit down and shut up.

Jack and Jill ran up the hill to pop some pills,

And Jill said, "Jack can do her without here will," and Jack's penis was still.

What do you call it when Red Sox can't pull out?

Boston cream pie.

Can I watch you?

Yes, you can watch me your watch.

No, I mean can I WATCH you?

I don't get it. 😑 *facepalm*.

OOOOOOH YOU MEAN WATCH WITH YOUR EYES! YES!

What does it mean if you can remember a girl's eye color?

She had small tits.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

Trying to make jokes in 2020-2021 be like:

Comedian: "When she went in front of the TV, it took an hour till you could see the screen again."

Audience: "Why you gotta be so offensive?"

Comedian: "I'm not tr-"

Audience: "Oh, so now you're trying to debate?"

Comedian: "I-"

Audience: "Now you're acting racist?!"

Your forehead is so big, you can fit Santa’s sack on it.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

A man walks into a library.

Man: "Hello ma'am, do you know where I can find a book on suicide?"

Librarian: "Do you know about our return policy?"

Suicidal Man: ...

Librarian: ...

The Woman checking out a book: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

I threw a dodgeball at a blind kid and got him out... guess I can say he didn't see it coming!

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."