Can jokes

I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.

Why is something orphans can never say?

"Let's go home."

Hey, Tanya, can I Tanya ass?

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

Person: So, Jimmy, what do you do all day?

Jimmy Savile: Anyone who I can do.

Your mama is so stupid she stayed up all night so she can get some sleep.

You're so skinny, you can barely fit through a door crack.

How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?

'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.

What can you build with people? A boat!

What time is it when you get home, can you walk walk home and walk walk home to get a car? I love you, you're the night!

Wow, paint can, you have such a colorful personality!

So, three guys are walking carefully into a bar.

The bartender said, "What can I get you, gentlemen?"

What do you get when skeletons are dancing in a tin can?

Noise!

Teacher: Ok kids, time to go home.

The orphan: What is home?

Teacher: Here, I have somewhere for you.

*puts in trash can*

Does anyone know where I can get that picture that went around the internet of Steven Hawking looking at the stairway to Heaven and saying “Oh Fu-k”?

Q: What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common?

A: If they stop sucking, you can smack them until they start again.

What's one thing that you can say about a train, but not your girlfriend?

Depressed person: *chokes on food*

*involuntary coughs until they can breathe*

"AWWW! I failed the race!"

I have a friend of mine from school. I always see them with bangs, so I never knew what their forehead looked like until one day they came... Their forehead was bigger than Mount Everest, that you can make an entire Olympics mountain climbing audition on that forehead! :)