Can jokes
A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.
Patient: It runs in the family.
Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can eat her candy. He got sick when he got a mouthful of dick and realized her name was Randy.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?
Finish a race.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
They can never make it home.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?
So gay people can play Star Wars.
Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.