Can jokes
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
I can tell you an airplane joke, but it will probably fly over your head.
Please, can someone comment on this post to explain what satisfaction you get from joking about such serious issues?
What is the one spray that can kill midgets? Bug spray.
My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.
At least now I can have his phone he left.
Can we have a party in space?
First, we need to planet ;)
Get it? "Plan it" = planet.
A new game the whole family can play...
Incest.
Q: Why can't you run through a campground?
A: You can only ran, because it's past tents!
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
Come on guys, it's not nice to make fun of autism. I mean really, the Riot devs try their best, but just because they have autism does not mean you can make fun of them. Make fun of them for something else, like their Down syndrome.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Yes, because a house doesn’t jump.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?
A Sandy Hook.
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
Hey Jonny, you can buy a...
Pun o' chips at the store!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends how hard you can throw them.
How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?
Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.
What's the difference between a baby and putty?
You can only eat one.