Can jokes
Your mama is so skinny she can dodge raindrops.
How can you never find a hippo hiding behind a weed?
Because they're so good at it.
They say people can have a sharp mind. Yours is like a dull knitting needle.
A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.
Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.
"I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."
When recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.
Conversely, you can recycle a condom quite easily: just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
How can you tell what kind of emo you are?
By how deep the cuts are on your forearm.
So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.
So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
A kindergarten teacher is chatting with little John. The teacher asks John, "John, can you get me some pencils?" John replies, "Sure, I'll do it!" and accidentally knocks over a vase.
The teacher says, "Oh, John!"
John asks, "What does that mean?" The teacher replies, "It's kind of a synonym for 'You loser!'"
Why did they invent white chocolate?
So Black people can be messy too.
Why can orphans stay out until whatever time?
Because their parents won't tell them when to come home.
3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.
Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"
Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"
Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."
Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.
Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"
Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Depressed person: *chokes on food*
*involuntary coughs until they can breathe*
"AWWW! I failed the race!"
What’s something you can say about a fat person, but not about strippers?
Those legs sure hold a lot of weight.
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?
Next time I’m bringing all my friends.
Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."
I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!
It's called "The Bad Batch File!"