Can jokes

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

What do maths and 9/11 have in common?

They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

What do black parents and elevators have in common?

Neither of them can raise anything without a belt.

Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.

I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.

Why does Batman’s mask only cover half of his face?

So the police can see that he’s white.

What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?

Sit down and shut up.

Roses are red, Epstein's face turned blue.

Trump's on that list, And there's nothing he can do.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

I hope you're an organ donor so your organs can go to someone who deserves them.

Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.

If you are a student at law school, a law professor can charge you up to $98,998.00 for one semester.

If the law professor is very late and is not punctual to teach you anything about law in his class, should a law student be able to charge the law professor a certain amount of money for not being able to teach his class because he is off task and not being punctual? Is your time precious too?

If the law professor is Polish, now you know the reason why you should never go to a law school that has a "dumb polack" for a law professor.

Sorry for your luck; it sucks to be you!