Can jokes
I hope you're an organ donor so your organs can go to someone who deserves them.
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.
If you are a student at law school, a law professor can charge you up to $98,998.00 for one semester.
If the law professor is very late and is not punctual to teach you anything about law in his class, should a law student be able to charge the law professor a certain amount of money for not being able to teach his class because he is off task and not being punctual? Is your time precious too?
If the law professor is Polish, now you know the reason why you should never go to a law school that has a "dumb polack" for a law professor.
Sorry for your luck; it sucks to be you!
The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.
I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.
Why is a ghost so predictable?
Because you can see right through it.
Why can you never surprise mountains?
They peak.
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"
What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?
Memorial Day.
Why?
Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
"Can we at least give them one credit—for abiding the traffic laws?"
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
What's the difference between Batman and a Black man???
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
What do you call a Flying Pilot? Because he can go pee on the plane!
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.
A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.