Came jokes

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang, because it came back unlike their parents.

My parents came back from their vacation in Florida, and all I got is this lousy nursemaid from Miami named mammie.

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

What time would it be if Godzilla came to school? Time to run!

It used to be "My Body, My Choice" until Trump came to power. Now it's "Your Body, My Choice."

The kid's dad was a magician because he disappeared and never came back.

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

A kid came to the orphanage with a dead fish. She was crying.

Why was the kid crying in the orphanage? Because someone came for the fish.

My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."

"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂

Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.

Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!

A salamander came by me the other day and he AXOLOTL questions. Ba dum tss!!!

So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

When Bob got on that sled, I don't know how he went so smoothly, but that is the invention of bobsled peoples.

And then Mark came in.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

One day an orphan threw a boomerang, but it came back, just like its parents.