Came jokes

An orphan came out of the closet to their parents as gay. Oh wait...

Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.

Is your ass jealous of the shit that came out of your fucking mouth?

Why can't you eat cereal?

Because your dad never came back from getting the milk!

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.

The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

A kid goes into a restaurant without parents, and a waitress came up and said, "You have to leave; this is a family restaurant."

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

Me: Hey, I’m your mom.

Orphan: Yay, you came back!

Me: Sike!

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.

Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”

Welp, that’s it.

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.

I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

I bribbled a kid and he was bribbled hem so hard that his balls came off.

Someone ordered pizza on a tower... A plane came.