But jokes

A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected into office.

Sorry, it was supposed to say "Female," but the "emale" got deleted.

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?

A vowel movement.

I'd tell a slavery joke, but they've been flogged to death.

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.

Chuck Norris died, but Death was too afraid to tell him.

I made a website for orphans, but it wouldn’t let me put a homepage.

You’re so fat,

that your family moved to the other side of the U.S.A., but they still see you.

There's one shop orphans can't go to, but what is it?

Home Depot.

Why were the World Trade Center so mad? Because they ordered 3 pizzas, but 2 came in plane and 1 went to the wrong address.

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

Everyone knows why 6 is scared of 7, cuz 7 8 9.

But why does 10 have PTSD?

Cuz it’s between 9/11.

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.

I don’t know if Jesus was black or white, but I know he for sure wasn’t Asian because people wouldn’t ask him to take the wheel.

I'd tell a bad baby joke, but I decided to abort.