But jokes
What is the difference between an orphan and a non-orphan? You can slap the orphan, but not the non-orphan because they can actually tell their parents.
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."
The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."
I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Memes
Once upon a time, there was a woman named Sarah who woke up one morning to find her husband and his wheelchair missing. She searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, she put up posters all over town offering a reward.
When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
I made a website about orphans, but it doesn't have a home page.
I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.
I wanted to play Fruit Ninja, but remembered I don’t have a phone. Guess I gotta draw fruit on my arm!
When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...
Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.
Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."
Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."
To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"
I was digging outside and I found my child's old toy, so I ran to find him, but I could not find him, so I was searching for about 6 hours, but then I remembered why I was digging......
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 9.
I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.
I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.
I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Children and your meat are actually quite similar.
At first you seem weirded out by spanking it, but later on you start to enjoy it.
I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.