But jokes

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

Kobe missed a lot of shots, but he sure didn’t miss the mountain.

VOTING SEMIFINAL 1

LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”.

Vote for the better joke.

I would roast you, but I'm not supposed to burn trash.

I would slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

When your mom says, "Go to bed," but you reply with, "But Mom, I need help because it is inside, but we are outside."

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

If a girl jumps off a cliff, some people call it suicide and some call it girl power, but I call it BULLSHIT.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

He dead, he alive, but most importantly, he got a new hard drive.

"Knock knock?"

"Mustache."

"I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later!"

What has two legs but can’t walk? Pants 👖

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.

People always ask what the secret of our family's happiness is. It is simple really.

1. Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week.

2. We all give each other a hand when needed.

Last but not least, we play Twister.

There was a person inside who needed help from the police, but the police changed their number, so he ordered a party with pizzas from 2 airplanes, but the pilots were stupid, so they put people instead of pizzas, and one landed on the 93rd floor and the 94th floor, literally.

Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."

Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...

A Story:

I lived in a small house. Behind my house was a big forest. If I went in the forest, then I heard scary sounds. That was very dreadful. I had a son. He was 9 years old. One day he went into the forest and did not come back. I called the police, but it couldn't help. I went looking. I really wanted my son Robby back. I missed him so! With a flashlight and compass, I went into the dark, eerie forest. Then the noises came again, but this time I also heard a scream. A scream from a nine year old child. It was Robby, certainly! I stopped in front of a tunnel.

Sequel follows...