Breath jokes

Mommy, Mommy! Are we dragons?

Shut up and don’t breathe on the drapes.

You could hold your breath for the rest of your life.

Think about it.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

What goes oOoOo on your breath that scared away the animals from the farm?

The George Floyd situation was breathtaking.

What do you call a blonde girl standing on her hands?

A brunette with bad breath.

Why can't orphans breathe? They are drowning in their own tears.

What’s the difference between life and a rape joke?

Life fucks you until you stop breathing; a rape joke fucks you until it’s not funny anymore.

Why can't George Floyd breathe? He had a knee on his neck, stupid.

What’s the difference between Juice WRLD and George Floyd?

Nothing, they both can’t breathe.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork and returned to the blind man.

The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"

If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.

You also can't breathe if you die.

So why isn't it debreathiation?

What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.

I read the joke "what we breathe is called oxygen, that is African food" to my African friend, but he is breathing in tears from his mother dying of hunger...

What did COVID say to the American?

Nothing, it just took its breath away...

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69... mouthwash.

What did the Los Angeles Police do when George Floyd said that he could not breathe? They gave George Floyd two squirts of Zicam cold remedy inside his nose.

I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.