Breath jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds air hostage.

The sky never changes color, but when it does, we know how your breath is increasing.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

How do you die from Alzheimer's? You forget how to breathe.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

BULLY vs. QUIET KID

Bully: I bet your dick is as small as a Tic Tac.

Quiet Kid: That's why your mom's breath smells so good.

QUIET KID WINS

When you breathe.

A bear and a rabbit are at a bar getting high, smoking weed, talking about nothing but lies and straight up garbage.

And then the bear starts to drink too much damn liquor, gets drunk, and asks the rabbit, "Can I have one more scotch, pretty please?"

And the rabbit says, "Hell to the naw, I'm not about to carry your drunk ass home with me and smell your breath."

"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"

Yo mama so old, I bet she was born when dinosaurs were made, and also she killed them with they breath! 😭😭

What does a shark smoke? Sea-weed.

How do whales breathe underwater? They take a deep meth.

What’s red and bad for your dental health? A brick.

What’s invisible and bad for you to breathe? Mustard gas.

What’s green and bad for you to drink? Radioactive waste.

Why can't cheetahs run forever? Because they run out of breath!

What's George Floyd's newest song?

"I can't breathe."

What happens when the Twin Towers breathe? They collapse like an orphan with stage 4 cystic fibrosis who lives in the streets of Africa.

Does breath smell like 🍑?

I breathe in African food.

Person 1: Somebody farted.

Person 2: No, all I can smell is your breath.

How do rappers freshen their breath?

With COOL YO mints!

One day Billy, Bob, and Doo Da went fishing in a small boat. None of them could swim, and they had no life jackets.

Doo Da suddenly started yelling, "I got one boys!" as he started trying to reel the fish in. It was way too large for him to get onto the boat, and he fell into the water. The fish had a nice meal that night. Billy and Bob were in shock but knew they had to tell Mrs. Doo Da.

Upon arriving at her house, they did rock, paper, scissors on who had to tell her the news. Bob lost. He slowly rang the doorbell, and Mrs. Doo Da answered. "U-uhm.. we...Doo D-Da..f-fish..." Bob stuttered, then he screamed and ran off. Billy went to go retrieve his friend. Billy had a nice little talk with him and slapped him across the face to get him to just say what happened. Soon, the two men returned to Mrs. Doo Da's house and rang the doorbell again. She opened the door and looked at the two men and asked, "I've been trying to call Doo Da, and he hasn't answered, is he ok?" Bob took a deep breath and took a step forward with a smile on his face. He sang, "We went fishing, guess who died, Doo Da, Doo Da. He smiled and he said good bye, we mourn Doo Da today."