so my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her and she started to cry.So I'd told her a 'single' joke then she said," Go and fucking die you insensitive bitch!". I later said," ugh, fine as your BFF I will break his body for you-happy now?". She said," *sniff* yes".
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
What do you call the midget sea?
A pond.
I put peanut butter on my asshole so the dog would lick it, but instead I got bit by ants.
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!
Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.
Don’t worry if you have a stroke.
You’ll be all right.
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the prom? Because he had no BODY to go with...
I could have said a skeleTON more jokes, but I think that might break your funny bone.
Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore? He didn't have the heart to put into it.
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
“What happens to an Asian man when he runs into a brick wall with an erection?”
“A broken nose.”
How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Your father's dick tastes funny.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
