I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
What do you call an epileptic midget that works at Little Caesars?
Little Seizures.
Max Heart and his gay cousin Nickals Amoto say I back out of a fight. When he said let's fight, then last minute he said he doesn't want to, then says I chickened out. I [was] ready to fight, but his gut [was] swollen [and] his arms [were]. He actually looks like Humpty Dumpty, but [I] just wanted to say he backed out + Max and Nickals are both gay with each other.
How do you die from Alzheimer's? You forget how to breathe.
I watched a movie about bones. It was spine-tingling!
How many cats are in the human body?
None, unless you're Asian.
I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
What happens when a guy is in a pool with a deck and no one is around? The guy has to pee, get up on the deck, and stick it between the bars and pee.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?
A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.
Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."
- What did the skeleton say to his friend?
- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.
What do you call a vagina with multiple clits?
A tongue workout!
Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.
Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-
Me: Lower lips.
Friend: I gotta go.
