Why did Stephen Hawking not believe in God?
Computers don’t really have a specific religion
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."
Yo mama so ugly, when she go to church they say it's a demon!
1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.
Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?
She said a monster attacked her.
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi? Because they can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into 2 skyscrapers.
You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
Bible Verse of The Day - For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.
—Romans 8:15-16
Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.
Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
I used to have an imaginary friend who I could talk to, and he could grant me wishes and stuff... and then I stopped going to church.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.
Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.
A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"
The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.
The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"
"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."
Virgos are always virgins to age 17... Just saying.
Guys, say "I love gape horn" really loud and you will get good luck for 10 years.
Why do orphans pray to God?
So they have someone to call father.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
What do you get when you throw holy water on a cow?
A holy cow!
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
