Being jokes

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

Why can't an orphan play basketball?

Because no one will be cheering them on.

Orphan kids only play GTA5 so they can be wanted.

Orphans can get away with anything really bad at school, because they can't be sent home for it.

Before I die, I'm going to ask to be cremated.

Then I'm going to eat a bunch of popcorn kernels.

Then I'll die and get cremated. BOOM! I'm popcorn!

I was going to tell you a joke about a big cat, but I would be lion.

People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.

They can stay in their living room.

Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

Yo mama so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," He was just asking her to move.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

Why should you never give an orphan a phone?

Because they wouldn't be able to find the home button.

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

Fat kid jumps in the pool.

The popular girl: "I thought there was going to be a tsunami."

The fat kid: "I thought trash was not supposed to be in the ocean."

Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.

What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.

Why can't an orphan ever be a criminal?

Because he isn't wanted.

Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.

If someone is bullying you for being fat, remember, you're the bigger person, a MUCH bigger person.